My name is Roy


You know the kind of guy who does nothing but tries to uphold the law and then wonders why life sucks. Well, that was me. Every time a good ruling came to me, something bad was waiting right around the corner. Sin.

That’s when I realized I had to change, so I carried a list of every Commandment ever made, and one by one, I’m gonna make everyone follow them. I’m just trying to make you a better person.

My name is Roy.


21 March

Out on the campaign trail, I’m surrounded by heathens. That’s just more for me to convert.

Back when I was Chief Justice, I didn’t get to reach that many heathens, just the ones who ran afoul of man’s law. You’d think people would want to know more about God’s law, but therein lies the struggle.

I met a farmer who takes federal subsidies not to grow tobacco. That’s No. 8 on my list: Thou shalt not steal. I explained to the gentleman that I couldn’t cross it off the list until he stopped stealing from the government.

But he wouldn’t listen. Maybe tomorrow, he’ll hear me and my brother out.

22 March

Brought my brother Tommy to the farm to convince the farmer not to take money for not growing tobacco so I could cross “Thou shalt not steal” off my list. Tommy’s kinda slow, but he’s got a good heart, and maybe the farmer will take to him.

As it turns out, they went to the same Vacation Bible School together when they were kids. But now, there’s a new problem.

Seems Joseph (the farmer) wasn’t too keen on spending summers studying the Good Book when he could’ve been fishing and lazing about. In fact, he told his parents what they could do with their “holy roller jamboree.”

So now, I had to add “Honor thy father and mother” to the list. I may never get back on the road at this rate.

23 March

Joseph the farmer wasn’t budging, and he had chickens to feed. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t change his ways, but Bible or no, I needed him to repent.

I wasn’t always running for governor and making speeches and wooing voters. Back on the bench, I learned a thing or two about putting folks on the straight and narrow.

So I cut him a plea bargain: In exchange for him taking the tobacco money, he promised to start smoking. Nothing fancy, and absolutely no menthol. I could cross him off my list.

I told him I’d keep working on him to do right by his folks, but I was already late for a rally at the lodge.

I’d like to think that I won his vote, but at least he can rest easy knowing that the wages of sin is lung cancer.

Your faithful servant,



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