Incident at Aisle 2

“Did you find everything you need?”

“Yes.” (lie)

“May I have your phone number?”

“No.”

“Don’t you want money-saving coupons?”

“What I want is for you to ring me up so I can get the hell outta here.”

“Will this be all for you?”

“Ohmygod, yes!”

“Would you like to save 5 percent on your next purchase?”

“Next purchase? I’d like to get done with this purchase.”

“Is plastic OK?”

“Could I have paper?”

“We’re out of paper.”

“You’re out of paper? At every checkout?”

“We should get some in Tuesday.”

“Plastic’s fine.”

“Do you remember the price on this?”

“Doesn’t the computer know?”

“It won’t scan.”

“I don’t remember. I think it was free.”

“I need a price check, please.”

“Will this take long?”

“No, just a sec.”

“Can’t you put the code in manually?”

“We have to follow procedure.”

“But keying it in will take just a sec.”

“Wait, we have the price.”

“Finally.”

“It was $1.99, right?”

“I don’t remember. Sure.”

“Do you want to donate a dollar to this charity?”

“I’m not even sure I want to spend $1.99 anymore.”

“So that’s a yes?”

“That’s a no. No no no.”

“And how will you be paying?”

“Here.”

“Debit or credit?”

“You can’t look at the card?”

“Debit or credit?”

“Credit.”

“May I have your ZIP code?”

“Zzzzz-eeeeee-rrrrrrr-ooooo—”

“Yes?”

“oooooooooooo—“

“And the rest?”

“oooooooooooo—“

“…”

“ooooooo. Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—”

“…”

“iiiiii-vvvvvvvvvvvvvvve.”

“And the rest?”

“That’s it. We don’t get a lot of mail.”

“Your card didn’t go through. Could you swipe it again?”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No, if you’ll just run your card through again …”

“Fine.”

“Press OK.”

“I pressed OK.”

“Press it again.”

“I pressed it.”

“Could I see your driver’s license?”

“Here.”

“How do you pronounce that?”

“Really?”

“Is that Chinese?”

“Yes.” (lie)

“Here’s your card back.”

“Great.”

“Sign this receipt.”

“Do you have a pen?”

“Someone took my pen.”

“Someone took your pen?”

“Yes, sign there.”

“I need a pen.”

“I need a pen on aisle 2, please. Pen on aisle 2.”

“You’re not even going to look at my signature.”

“Yes, I am.”

“You don’t even have my credit card to check it against.”

“I can tell.”

“You didn’t even check my card for a signature.”

“Here’s a pen. Please sign here.”

“I’m signing it with your name.”

“Thank you. Your receipt is in the bag. Have a nice day.”

“Fine.”

Incident at the self-checkout

“Welcome. Please scan your first item …
“ … Place item in bag …
“Item not bagged. Item not bagged. Item not bagged …”