Decoder ring

When I say: “How’s it hanging?”
I mean: “How are you doing?”

“That’s interesting.”
(That’s boring.)

“I understand.”
(As far as you know.)

“Say hi to your mom.”
(In bed, where I did her.)

“Nice shoes.”
(I want some.)

“What time is it?”
(Please leave.)

“What up?”
(I steal black culture.)

“Take it easy.”
(Bend over.)

“That’s so interesting!”
(Please kill me.)

“I need you.”
(I really want some.)

“No problem.”
(I’ll do it if I run out of other things to do, DVDs to watch, beers to chug …)

“I’ll see what I can do.”
(Not a chance.)

“Sure thing.”
(Not a chance.)

“Count on it.”
(Not a chance in hell.)

“Let me check my records.”
(I’m gonna bury you in minutiae.)

“I clean up well.”
(I showered five minutes ago for the first time in a week.)

“I’m broke.”
(You pay.)

“I’m paying.”
(You pay.)

“I’ll get you next time.”
(You’d better bring your wallet/purse.)

“Believe me.”
(I’m lying.)

“Trust me.”
(I’m lying sincerely.)

“Nice weather.”
(You are an insignificant piece of jetsam hardly worth acknowledgement.)

“What do you think?”
(I’m going to zone out for a while. Your voice has a quality I find soothing.)

“Don’t be so sensitive.”
(Like me.)

“Don’t take it personally.”
(I made it personal.)

“I’m almost there.”
(I’m running late because I was Googling my name again.)

“I’ve done this before.”
(Badly.)

“I’ve done this a million times.”
(And still fuck it up.)

“Could you take care of this?”
(I like making you jump through hoops.)

“Are you nuts?”
(You are nuts.)

“Are you that stupid?”
(You are that stupid.)

“Let me help.”
(I fear your incompetence is somehow contagious.)

“You’re special.”
(You’re retarded.)

“You’re one-of-a-kind.”
(No one is as pathetic as you are.)

“You’re being paranoid.”
(Everyone is out to get you, especially me.)

“You look great.”
(I’m surprised the ravishes of time and nature haven’t already claimed your seemingly lifeless hide.)

“Can I borrow that?”
(I am taking this and never returning it.)

“Pay me back anytime.”
(Short me one cent and I’ll cut your legs off.)

“I don’t remember.”
(I do remember, but I’m stalling for time until I can fabricate a better story.)

“I’m not sure.”
(I’m most definitely doing the opposite of what you just asked of me.)

“You’re lying.”
(Your brazenness with the truth will cost you dearly.)

“I need some space.”
(Stop boring me.)

“Your friendship means so much.”
(I need hotter friends.)

“You are so wise.”
(Nothing you say makes sense to anyone. You are a waste of flesh.)

“Why are you being so nice to me?”
(How have you not noticed your missing cash and checks?)

“I’ll be right over.”
(I’m still Googling my name for another hour.)

“Call me anytime.”
(Because I’m changing my number tomorrow.)

“Drop me an e-mail.”
(I can ignore you electronically.)

“Smile.”
(I want people to see that you have something gross stuck in your teeth.)

“I love you.”
(Guess.)