Conversational shortcuts and comics
By Wade Kwon“What are you doing?â€
“What?â€
“Pass me the paper.â€
“I’m still reading it.â€
“You’re reading the whole paper? Right now?â€
“No, but …â€
“Just pass me the comics.â€
“Here’s what happened in comics: Panel, panel, panel, punchline.â€
“Wait! Don’t spoil it!â€
“Also, Cathy says ‘ack!’ and looks sweaty.â€
“Suh-weet.â€
“Snoopy explains to Woodstock about the Red Baron, which was hysterical in 1972, but not as funny now.â€
“Does Snoopy use that bird language composed only of ‘I’s?â€
“Yeah, how come a dog can speak perfect English but a bird can only speak in repetitive scratches?â€
“At least let me see my horoscope.â€
“What’s your sign?â€
“You know my sign.â€
“ ‘Slippery when wet’?â€
“No. ‘Severe tire damage.’ â€
“Says here that change is imminent and should be embraced. Also, a friend could turn out to be more.â€
“Wait, let me write this down.â€
“And, be kind to animals, except lemurs.â€
“Anything else?â€
“Dilbert’s tie has a boner.â€
“And Dilbert?â€
“Surprisingly flaccid.â€
“Family Circus?â€
“Billy is up to his usual mischief. Or is that Jeffy? I always get those two scamps mixed up. Also, Dolly has a boner.â€
“Andy Capp?â€
“Still a lovable wife-beating drunk.â€
“D’oh!â€
“Marmaduke is having an intense conversation with his roommates about a missing suitcase. No, wait. That’s Apartment 3-G.â€
“Whew.â€
“And Ziggy is transmitting some kind of coded terrorist message: two, three, blank, blank, seven, blank …â€
“I think that’s the Sudoku puzzle.â€
“No, you’re thinking of the Hagar the Horrible/Jumble crossover.â€
“Of course.â€
“Garfield is up to his old tricks.â€
“Eating forbidden lasagna?â€
“It appears he’s burying Lymon’s body.â€
“He sounds unnaturally active.â€
“No, no, Lymon’s quite dead.â€
“Wait. Help me out. What’s a two-letter word for ‘lame caveman interaction with not-so-subtle proselytizing’?â€
“B.C.?â€
“Yep-per.â€
“Ironically, the strip is living proof of the theory of evolution.â€
“And simultaneously proof against it.â€
“This is odd. The birds in Shoe are putting out a newspaper in English. Which means …â€
“Woodstock is retarded?â€
“Birds advocate destroying their natural habitats to run Rex Morgan, M.D. in teeny-weeny eye-strain-o-vision?â€
“Journalists are bird-brains? Get it? And they’re ‘cheep’? I kill me.â€
“I kill you.â€
“Anything else?â€
“Love is …â€
“Holding hands? Sunset walks? Masturbating to Mary Worth?â€
“Nope. Love Is completely unreadable with this smeared printing.â€
“Damn you, Gutenberg.â€
About this entry
- Post:
- Conversational shortcuts and comics
- Published:
- 04.07.06 | 11.56 pm
- Share:
- Next post:
- My anti-drug is …
- Previous post:
- Little brown boxes
1 yip
Jump to comment form | comments rss [?] | trackback uri [?]