Incident at Aisle 2

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“Did you find everything you need?”

“Yes.” (lie)

“May I have your phone number?”

“No.”

“Don’t you want money-saving coupons?”

“What I want is for you to ring me up so I can get the hell outta here.”

“Will this be all for you?”

“Ohmygod, yes!”

“Would you like to save 5 percent on your next purchase?”

“Next purchase? I’d like to get done with this purchase.”

“Is plastic OK?”

“Could I have paper?”

“We’re out of paper.”

“You’re out of paper? At every checkout?”

“We should get some in Tuesday.”

“Plastic’s fine.”

“Do you remember the price on this?”

“Doesn’t the computer know?”

“It won’t scan.”

“I don’t remember. I think it was free.”

“I need a price check, please.”

“Will this take long?”

“No, just a sec.”

“Can’t you put the code in manually?”

“We have to follow procedure.”

“But keying it in will take just a sec.”

“Wait, we have the price.”

“Finally.”

“It was $1.99, right?”

“I don’t remember. Sure.”

“Do you want to donate a dollar to this charity?”

“I’m not even sure I want to spend $1.99 anymore.”

“So that’s a yes?”

“That’s a no. No no no.”

“And how will you be paying?”

“Here.”

“Debit or credit?”

“You can’t look at the card?”

“Debit or credit?”

“Credit.”

“May I have your ZIP code?”

“Zzzzz-eeeeee-rrrrrrr-ooooo…”

“Yes?”

“oooooooooooo…”

“And the rest?”

“oooooooooooo…”

“…”

“ooooooo. Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…”

“…”

“iiiiii-vvvvvvvvvvvvvvve.”

“And the rest?”

“That’s it. We don’t get a lot of mail.”

“Your card didn’t go through. Could you swipe it again?”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No, if you’ll just run your card through again …”

“Fine.”

“Press OK.”

“I pressed OK.”

“Press it again.”

“I pressed it.”

“Could I see your driver’s license?”

“Here.”

“How do you pronounce that?”

“Really?”

“Is that Chinese?”

“Yes.” (lie)

“Here’s your card back.”

“Great.”

“Sign this receipt.”

“Do you have a pen?”

“Someone took my pen.”

“Someone took your pen?”

“Yes, sign there.”

“I need a pen.”

“I need a pen on aisle 2, please. Pen on aisle 2.”

“You’re not even going to look at my signature.”

“Yes, I am.”

“You don’t even have my credit card to check it against.”

“I can tell.”

“You didn’t even check my card for a signature.”

“Here’s a pen. Please sign here.”

“I’m signing it with your name.”

“Thank you. Your receipt is in the bag. Have a nice day.”

“Fine.”

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Incident at the self-checkout

“Welcome. Please scan your first item …

” … Place item in bag …

“Item not bagged. Item not bagged. Item not bagged …”

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