Remote possibilitiesBy Wade Kwon
Many of my friends have weaned themselves from their video teat but would still like to remain plugged into the hip happenings of sweeps month. As a public service, I shall summarize the season finales of your favorite TV shows.
â€œGreyâ€™s Anatomyâ€: Everyone at the hospital whores it up.
â€œ24â€: Jack Bauer rips off Romanoâ€™s arm and whups the prez with it. Then, he smokes it.
â€œ7th Heavenâ€: The Camdens all die and go to hell.
â€œCSI: (Whatever)â€: Nerds with guns lock up sloppy criminals with homicidal slip-ups.
â€œHouseâ€: House loses his voice, swats the patient and his team with his cane, makes several obscene gestures, then cures cancer by deductive reasoning.
â€œDesperate Housewivesâ€: Mary Alice shoots herself in the head again rather than continue to narrate such a dull season.
â€œDeal or No Dealâ€: No deal!!!
â€œTwo and a Half Menâ€: Three-and-a-half jokes for about a half a chortle, two-thirds of a giggle.
â€œNumb3rsâ€: Nerds with slide rules lock up unglamorous criminals who didnâ€™t check their math.
â€œThe Sopranosâ€: Fed up with therapy, Tony puts out a hit on his inner child.
â€œFamily Guyâ€: One random interchangeable joke after another.
â€œThe Unitâ€: Heh, â€˜unit.â€™
â€œBig Loveâ€: Well, if the two dozen commercials at the movie theaters are to be believed, miserable miserable cohabitation.
â€œWill and Graceâ€: Donâ€™t and care.
â€œ60 Minutesâ€: One reporter wonâ€™t survive (probably).
â€œPrison Breakâ€: The convicts break free. Of their inhibitions. And seek sanctuary. In each other.
â€œVeronica Marsâ€: Veronica solves the biggest mystery of all: How did UPN make it 11 years?
â€œThe Officeâ€: Michael comes down with a mysterious case of â€˜beaten repeatedly in the face with staplers.â€™
â€œGilmore Girlsâ€: Lorelai and Rory make more bad decisions about their men. Michel fusses.
â€œThe Simpsonsâ€: Bart is arrested under the Patriot Act, rats out Rod and Todd as terrorist sympathizers.
â€œLaw and Order: (Pick One)â€: Nerds with lawyers lock up creepy criminals played by washed-up comedians.
â€œThat ’70s Showâ€: Kelso gets kanceled.
â€œSmallvilleâ€: After seeing â€˜Superman Returns,â€™ Clark renegotiates his contract.
â€œThe West Wingâ€: We still miss Mrs. Landingham.
â€œEverybody Hates Chrisâ€: Chris develops an eating disorder.
â€œMalcolm in the Middleâ€: Malcolm, 37, decides to run away from home again.
â€œAmerican Idolâ€: Finalists sing a pop song written by a million monkeys with a million Blackberries. Paula cries a lot.
â€œLostâ€: The castaways discover another hatch, filled with plot holes and flashbacks.