Remote possibilities
By Wade KwonMany of my friends have weaned themselves from their video teat but would still like to remain plugged into the hip happenings of sweeps month. As a public service, I shall summarize the season finales of your favorite TV shows.
“Grey’s Anatomyâ€: Everyone at the hospital whores it up.
“24â€: Jack Bauer rips off Romano’s arm and whups the prez with it. Then, he smokes it.
“7th Heavenâ€: The Camdens all die and go to hell.
“CSI: (Whatever)â€: Nerds with guns lock up sloppy criminals with homicidal slip-ups.
“Houseâ€: House loses his voice, swats the patient and his team with his cane, makes several obscene gestures, then cures cancer by deductive reasoning.
“Desperate Housewivesâ€: Mary Alice shoots herself in the head again rather than continue to narrate such a dull season.
“Deal or No Dealâ€: No deal!!!
“Two and a Half Menâ€: Three-and-a-half jokes for about a half a chortle, two-thirds of a giggle.
“Numb3rsâ€: Nerds with slide rules lock up unglamorous criminals who didn’t check their math.
“The Sopranosâ€: Fed up with therapy, Tony puts out a hit on his inner child.
“Family Guyâ€: One random interchangeable joke after another.
“The Unitâ€: Heh, ‘unit.’
“Big Loveâ€: Well, if the two dozen commercials at the movie theaters are to be believed, miserable miserable cohabitation.
“Will and Graceâ€: Don’t and care.
“60 Minutesâ€: One reporter won’t survive (probably).
“Prison Breakâ€: The convicts break free. Of their inhibitions. And seek sanctuary. In each other.
“Veronica Marsâ€: Veronica solves the biggest mystery of all: How did UPN make it 11 years?
“The Officeâ€: Michael comes down with a mysterious case of ‘beaten repeatedly in the face with staplers.’
“Gilmore Girlsâ€: Lorelai and Rory make more bad decisions about their men. Michel fusses.
“The Simpsonsâ€: Bart is arrested under the Patriot Act, rats out Rod and Todd as terrorist sympathizers.
“Law and Order: (Pick One)â€: Nerds with lawyers lock up creepy criminals played by washed-up comedians.
“That ’70s Showâ€: Kelso gets kanceled.
“Smallvilleâ€: After seeing ‘Superman Returns,’ Clark renegotiates his contract.
“The West Wingâ€: We still miss Mrs. Landingham.
“Everybody Hates Chrisâ€: Chris develops an eating disorder.
“Malcolm in the Middleâ€: Malcolm, 37, decides to run away from home again.
“American Idolâ€: Finalists sing a pop song written by a million monkeys with a million Blackberries. Paula cries a lot.
“Lostâ€: The castaways discover another hatch, filled with plot holes and flashbacks.
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- 05.06.06 | 11.56 pm
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