Remote possibilities

Many of my friends have weaned themselves from their video teat but would still like to remain plugged into the hip happenings of sweeps month. As a public service, I shall summarize the season finales of your favorite TV shows.

“Grey’s Anatomy”: Everyone at the hospital whores it up.

“24”: Jack Bauer rips off Romano’s arm and whups the prez with it. Then, he smokes it.

“7th Heaven”: The Camdens all die and go to hell.

“CSI: (Whatever)”: Nerds with guns lock up sloppy criminals with homicidal slip-ups.

“House”: House loses his voice, swats the patient and his team with his cane, makes several obscene gestures, then cures cancer by deductive reasoning.

“Desperate Housewives”: Mary Alice shoots herself in the head again rather than continue to narrate such a dull season.

“Deal or No Deal”: No deal!!!

“Two and a Half Men”: Three-and-a-half jokes for about a half a chortle, two-thirds of a giggle.

“Numb3rs”: Nerds with slide rules lock up unglamorous criminals who didn’t check their math.

“The Sopranos”: Fed up with therapy, Tony puts out a hit on his inner child.

“Family Guy”: One random interchangeable joke after another.

“The Unit”: Heh, ‘unit.’

“Big Love”: Well, if the two dozen commercials at the movie theaters are to be believed, miserable miserable cohabitation.

“Will and Grace”: Don’t and care.

“60 Minutes”: One reporter won’t survive (probably).

“Prison Break”: The convicts break free. Of their inhibitions. And seek sanctuary. In each other.

“Veronica Mars”: Veronica solves the biggest mystery of all: How did UPN make it 11 years?

“The Office”: Michael comes down with a mysterious case of ‘beaten repeatedly in the face with staplers.’

“Gilmore Girls”: Lorelai and Rory make more bad decisions about their men. Michel fusses.

“The Simpsons”: Bart is arrested under the Patriot Act, rats out Rod and Todd as terrorist sympathizers.

“Law and Order: (Pick One)”: Nerds with lawyers lock up creepy criminals played by washed-up comedians.

“That ’70s Show”: Kelso gets kanceled.

“Smallville”: After seeing ‘Superman Returns,’ Clark renegotiates his contract.

“The West Wing”: We still miss Mrs. Landingham.

“Everybody Hates Chris”: Chris develops an eating disorder.

“Malcolm in the Middle”: Malcolm, 37, decides to run away from home again.

“American Idol”: Finalists sing a pop song written by a million monkeys with a million Blackberries. Paula cries a lot.

“Lost”: The castaways discover another hatch, filled with plot holes and flashbacks.