History of the future: Cell phone apocalypse

Late 20th century: Cellular phone technology becomes widely available, thanks to cheap, portable technology and service.

2006: A high-pitched ringtone becomes popular among teenagers, because older adults (including teachers) can’t hear it.

2008: Diebold converts three states to text message voting, saving millions of dollars in scanning machines, polling sites and workers. A lounge singer from Duluth, Minn., becomes the next president.

2010: The monolith calls from orbit around Jupiter, but the reception is terrible, and the monolith calls during peak minutes, so the conversation is short.

2015: Poll finds majority of Americans no longer distinguish ringtones from blaring TV sets, MP3 players, video game consoles or Web-surfing coffeemakers.

2020: Brain cancer skyrockets, causing people to babble even longer on their Whitetooth headsets.

2225: Phone numbers are now in base 32. Keypads include 578 keys and no off button.

2030: Startup tech company Dermacall implants cell chips just below the ear. The voices in your head now include your nagging mother and your ex-boyfriend who won’t stop calling. Your optional hold message is a loop of you reciting your shopping list.

2035: Holographic calls become available, using a 20-pound platform phone about the size of a present-day phone book. Custom avatars are available, including one of Oscar-winning actress Shiloh Pitt-Jolie.

2080: A worldwide movement encouraging nonverbal communication cripples telecom. Gesturing wildly means you have a call, while shooting a bird means you have a message waiting.

2100: Calling within or outside the solar system takes seconds instead of hours, due to quark technology. However, calling across the North American plate still incurs roaming charges and miscellaneous fees. Colonies of Saturn evicted to turn entire planet into phone tower.

2200: Cell phones gain sentience — making them the stupidest gadgets around, since computers, flying cars and Tamagotchis became sentient decades earlier.

2500: Cell phones organize galactic protests for recognition as equals under the Universal Charter of Rights. Media coverage is minimal, since reporters never receive calls alerting them to the demonstrations.

3000: Humans and cell phones cross-breed, producing offspring that can shoot pictures, send messages, but require constant recharging and replacement antennae.