Picky picky


I’m really not that picky. I just have finite tastes. (Tastes, not taste.)

The car that I drive should be comfortable, not flashy. But not dull. Good gas mileage, good safety record, reasonably priced.

I like to listen to tunes, so the sound system has to be off the hook. A sun/moon roof is nice, but a convertible hard top would be perfect. Sporty, but sound.


The shoes that I wear need to look designer, but not necessarily have a “label.” Black, because it goes with everything. No buckles (those are for Pilgrims), no tassels (those are for strippers), no scuff marks.

Leather is fine.

The job that I have should be reasonable hours. Overtime is OK, even if it’s super-secret alternately compensated “overtime.” Co-workers must be pleasant but not intrusive. Parking is a plus. Boss should be a go-getter, straight shooter, inspiring, fair and knowledgeable.

The job title should be easily recognizable, garnering some questions. Pay is a must.

The restaurant for tonight’s dinner should be busy but not overly so. Good food, with attentive (not overbearing) service. Servers should be polite and recommend their favorites, not what the chef is trying to unload.

The table should be clean; this includes silverware and glasses. Courses should be timed to allow proper consumption and digestion of each serving — none of this business with three plates arriving at the same time.

The wife I marry should be career-oriented, with a hankering for family. She should be smart, but not overtly brainy. Height should be 5-foot-5 to 6-foot-0. Fit, but not bony. B cup or C cup, but no D cups (those are for strippers).

She should be modest, energetic, with a pleasant laugh. Cooking a plus. No pets.

The reality I inhabit should be big enough for me and a select few billion souls. Oxygen atmosphere, gravity (not so much that we’re all hunched over) and sunsets. Supreme being should be all-powerful with a hint of mystery; no tyrants.

Such a reality would be self-sufficient, without excessive tinkering on my part. And smell good most of the time.


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