Snakes on a MacarenaBy Wade Kwon
Ginny wants to see â€œLittle Miss Sunshineâ€ on Friday.
I asked her point blank how many snakes were in it. And which character was Samuel L. Jackson playing in the movie, perhaps the guy who saves the quirky family from the snakes on the VW bus, or the fellow flyer who saves them from a doomed plane ride?
Those Sundance fans liked â€œSunshineâ€ because of all the cursing and snake bashing, right?
Iâ€™ve been a Sam Jackson fan for a long time, stretching back to the crackhead dance in â€œJungle Feverâ€ and Mr. SeÃ±or Love Daddy in â€œDo the Right Thing.â€ Solid.
Sure, heâ€™s been in some stinkers (â€œThe Man,â€ â€œStar Warsâ€ 1, 2 and 3, â€œLoaded Weapon 1,â€ â€œChanging Lanesâ€), but otherwise heâ€™s one of the best and brightest out there. Heâ€™s the baddest, heâ€™s the most quotable, and he can make a ridiculous concept work.
Thatâ€™s why â€œSnakes on a Planeâ€ will be the gold standard for all entertainment.
Donâ€™t get me wrong: Heâ€™s been brilliant by voice alone (â€œThe Incredibles,â€ â€œThe Boondocksâ€) and has the action flick down pat (â€œThe Negotiator,â€ â€œDie Hard with a Vengeance,â€ weâ€™ll even count â€œUnbreakableâ€). But â€œSnakesâ€ will determine the formula for the new hipness.
For example, the Tour de France. Barely watchable now that Lance Armstrong has pedaled away and the new American champ may be juiced beyond recognition. What does the worldâ€™s grandest bike race need? Motherfuckinâ€™ snakes â€¦ on the course, in the helmets, thrown at fans.
And Sam Jackson shooting out the tires of 10-speeds to stop the terrorists. Or the French. Whatever.
â€œAn Inconvenient Truthâ€ has compelling evidence that our climate crisis will be unstoppable in just 10 years. You know what it doesnâ€™t have? Mother. Fucking. Snakes.
Would you rather hear Al Gore say, â€œThe Earthâ€™s average temperature has increased dramatically thanks to mankindâ€™s dependence on fossil fuelsâ€ or Sam Jackson screaming, â€œSay â€˜global warmingâ€™ again. Say â€˜global warmingâ€™ again. I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker. Say â€˜global warmingâ€™ one more goddamn timeâ€?
â€œGreyâ€™s Anatomy,â€ a popular suckfest that women love to watch and discuss and obsess over. I say, unleash the snakes, and let SLJ tear that sappy hospital a new one.
I already missed out on the crossover parody of the summer, â€œSnakes on Flight 93.â€ â€œI’ve had it with these motherfucking terrorists on this motherfucking plane!â€
When Mace Windu tells you, â€œLetâ€™s roll!â€ you better well get with the plan.
The list of things that could be improved with snakes and/or Sam Jackson is virtually endless: â€œBig Brother All-Stars,â€ Wimbledon, the U.S. Open (tennis or golf), potluck suppers, Ziggy, sudoku and most book clubs.
And thatâ€™s the double truth, Ruth.