The nightly grindBy Wade Kwon
My sweet dentist and my chatty hygienist (always with the questions while Iâ€™ve got a mouthful of sharp pick) call me flat-toothed.
Apparently, I grind my teeth. At night. In the dark.
Unbeknownst to me.
This is tragic on several levels. For starters, my perfect teeth â€” as lauded by my sweet dentist and my chatty hygienist â€” are a little less perfect. Too flat. Not curvy or bitey enough.
Second, the enamel is wearing down, the irreplaceable armor that separates nerve from air, chewing from mush. Canâ€™t afford to be letting it slip into nothingness.
Third, why the hell am I immune to grinding during the day, but susceptible at night? It could be stress induced, but nighttime is the least stressful part of anyoneâ€™s day. How can unconsciousness be anything but relaxing?
I have been fitted for a guard to wear (or choke on) while sleeping. Even as an adult, I cannot escape the tortuous dental devices that brand nerds and dweebs alike. Only now, I have the dubious honor of paying for them as well.
Iâ€™m going for my regular physical soon. I hope to God the doctor doesnâ€™t tell me Iâ€™m also secretly pissing blood or gouging my eyes every night.
Otherwise, I’m never going to sleep again.