The heart of Saturday night


I’ve been blue lately, and worse yet, I haven’t been able to connect with my small, tight circle of friends.

The loneliness is getting to me.

The days are growing shorter and cooler. Fall is just another season, but this fall is becoming a sad one.

I’m finding it tough going this time because while my new job is fine, the rest seems to be slipping backwards. I struggle because I’m tired of looking for the right girl. Even when one is in front of me, I think I’m fooling myself.

I’d love to go out on dates and shuffle through the profiles online and find her. Where she exists. If she exists.

Rejection is one of my biggest weaknesses. It bounces right off of some people, but for me, it cuts up my heart into tattered worn ribbons. I mend it, waiting for another shot at acceptance.

When I go through periods of romantic rejection, it wears me down. I am worn down.

But what puts me aright is talking with friends, commiserating, even laughing. I vent, I whine, I bring the room down.

It’s what I do.

Beyond these romantic setbacks, my loneliness is compounded by my estrangement from a few close friends. I have this small group whom I consider to be both family and support network. When that group falls apart, I have no backup.

This estrangement is likely temporary. I have known these people for a long time, but a few have hurt me recently. Mostly inadvertently, mostly unintentionally, but painful nonetheless. I cannot bring myself to face the issues between us, because I am playing the victim here.

It’s neither right nor wrong, just how it is.

I am baffled by unkind actions and words. (Part of me still remains innocent to the wickedness of humanity.) I used to especially baffled at those who would go out of their way to smack me down, when they don’t know me or gain nothing by such deeds.

But these days, I am baffled by the unkindness of those dearest to my heart. The question of why remains a troubling echo in my head and heart.

When I go through periods of friendlessness, it just about destroys me. I cannot describe the alienation, the sadness, the desperation closing in.

I just can’t.

I haven’t given in to despair, even as it consumes me day in day out. I wake up, do my thing, go to sleep.

It is a lonely existence, partially of my own making. And it is miserable.


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