The friendship auditionsBy Wade Kwon
â€œThank you, ladies and gentlemen, for coming out today for the friendship auditions. Expect to be here most of the day, though weâ€™ll try to get you out of here as soon as possible. Thanks in advance for bearing with us.
â€œAs you know, only a few of you will be selected for callbacks. Itâ€™s not a glamorous position, but if you do a good job, it could lead to bigger and better things.
â€œPlease have your resumes and headshots ready. No monologues, just a quick interview with our panel. Sorry, folks, donâ€™t complain to me â€” I donâ€™t know why you were told to prepare a piece, but weâ€™re not using them today, no exceptions.
â€œNo. 155, please step forward. Follow me to the audition room. Donâ€™t be nervous. Just be yourself.
â€œOK, Mr. Miller, tell us about yourself.
â€œAnd why are you here today? Why should you be our friend?
â€œHow would you describe yourself? And what are the things you like about yourself? Or dislike about yourself?
â€œWeâ€™re not just looking for any friend. Weâ€™re looking for a best friend, someone who can come through with a funny joke or a ride to the airport.
â€œWhatâ€™s more, this ideal mate â€” in the strictest platonic British sense â€” is loyal, reliable and sharing. Weâ€™re not looking for a foil, a sidekick or an entourage member.
â€œDo you have what it takes to make it in this personal business?
â€œI see. You understand that the audition here today is a formality? The real audition goes on for a lifetime. It takes place beyond these walls in the real world, with all its inherent distractions and temptations.
â€œWell, weâ€™ll let you know. Thank you, and please send in the next person.â€