The friendship auditions

“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for coming out today for the friendship auditions. Expect to be here most of the day, though we’ll try to get you out of here as soon as possible. Thanks in advance for bearing with us.

“As you know, only a few of you will be selected for callbacks. It’s not a glamorous position, but if you do a good job, it could lead to bigger and better things.

“Please have your resumes and headshots ready. No monologues, just a quick interview with our panel. Sorry, folks, don’t complain to me — I don’t know why you were told to prepare a piece, but we’re not using them today, no exceptions.

“No. 155, please step forward. Follow me to the audition room. Don’t be nervous. Just be yourself.

“OK, Mr. Miller, tell us about yourself.

“And why are you here today? Why should you be our friend?

“How would you describe yourself? And what are the things you like about yourself? Or dislike about yourself?

“We’re not just looking for any friend. We’re looking for a best friend, someone who can come through with a funny joke or a ride to the airport.

“What’s more, this ideal mate — in the strictest platonic British sense — is loyal, reliable and sharing. We’re not looking for a foil, a sidekick or an entourage member.

“Do you have what it takes to make it in this personal business?

“I see. You understand that the audition here today is a formality? The real audition goes on for a lifetime. It takes place beyond these walls in the real world, with all its inherent distractions and temptations.

“Well, we’ll let you know. Thank you, and please send in the next person.”