No thing has found us


Based on photo by Duncan McKinnon

Warning: If you haven’t seen “Cloverfield,” stop reading. This story won’t make sense and will give away all plot points. What “Shaun of the Dead” was to “28 Days Later,” this surviving account is to “Cloverfield.”

When the monster comes to attack Birmingham, and it will come, all heck will break loose. Schools will go home early, 280 will be clogged a little more than usual, bread and milk will be in short supply.

Flung to Linn Park, Vulcan’s head will be used as a bong, or as temporary shade for the heat. City Stages will likely sign it to be a Homegrown Stage filler act.

The rumbling will disturb a downtown loft soiree populated with young professionals, or YPs. All will be captured on video camera, though the WIAT-42 newscast will condense it to a 60-second lead story before segueing to a homicide in West End.

The army will not hesitate to send in bombers, rather than giving civilians a chance to escape and reserve units a chance to attack. Fortunately, the bombers will instead mistakenly take out Bismarck, since it’s another city no one cares about starting with ‘B.’

A nation will watch with mild uneasiness, before switching channels to “Dancing With the Stars.”

The mayor will declare a state of emergency, pelting the monster with large bundles of cash. The city council will play along, imposing stiff fines for any violations of their new “monster-free zones.”

Dozens will flee the city center in terror, while a hardy few will continue drinking at the bars along Second and First and Morris Avenues. The creature will unwittingly smash through a section of North Birmingham, providing a suitable site for a second domed stadium.

Our YPs will attempt to rescue their friend, trapped in a crummy Southside apartment, only to find she’s unable to escape the clutches of her slumlord. They leave her to pay too much rent for a place with broken heat and no parking.

The baby monsters, upon discovering the high tax rate, will run away to live in the over-the-mountain suburbs. They will end up congregating at gas stations, taking away low-paying menial jobs from our illegal immigrants.

Looting will deplete the critical supply of folk art and bus tokens in the City Center. The sewer system will collapse through non-monster-related structural problems.

In the end, the monster will eat thousands of residents, suffering hypertension from such a high-fat diet.


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