The new toothbrush: Ribbed for my pleasure

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I am obsessed with my teeth.

For a while, I timed how long I brushed them, as per my dentist’s suggestions. Without the timer, I’d brush for about 60 seconds. With it, I’d keep going for the recommended 3 minutes (an eternity!).

Of course, that led to other issues: wrong toothpaste, wrong technique, worn enamel, sore mouth. Even now, my jaws and teeth are rebelling in new and creative ways. I have to wear a mouthguard while asleep to keep my teeth from grinding. I need to see an orthodontist about my worsening overbite.

Enter the new toothbrush.

I change my toothbrush after each trip to the dentist. She kindly provides another freebie, one stamped with her name and office number. It’s always the latest variety, some NASA prototype not yet on store shelves that will be marketed via soft rock radio and maybe some cheesy mall campaign.

But the latest version is flat-out weird. It’s bumpy. It’s … ribbed.

Toothbrush ribbed

The brush has grips, I guess in case you have a violent technique and need to keep that sucker in place. And behind the head are more rubbery bumps, to promote cleaning of the interior of the cheeks and the tongue.

I already brush my tongue, and cheeks, and roof of the mouth. It supposedly helps with breath and removal of bad bacteria. Really, it just adds time to my brushing routine.

I don’t know if this is the future of brushing, of dental hygiene. I do know we survived as a species for tens of thousands of years without toothbrushes and toothpaste (though, as my girlfriend quickly pointed out, we also have never eaten this much processed food, mostly sugar). And I do know I don’t floss nearly as much as I tell my dentist I do. It’s like a 100-to-1 ratio of lies.

The brush will take some getting used to, but by then, I’ll have another new brush in hand. Probably one that plays soft rock and turns pink if your mouth is too acidic.

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