Conversational shortcuts and comics


cathy.gif“What are you doing?”


“Pass me the paper.”

“I’m still reading it.”

“You’re reading the whole paper? Right now?”

“No, but …”

“Just pass me the comics.”

“Here’s what happened in comics: Panel, panel, panel, punchline.”

“Wait! Don’t spoil it!”

“Also, Cathy says ‘ack!’ and looks sweaty.”


“Snoopy explains to Woodstock about the Red Baron, which was hysterical in 1972, but not as funny now.”

“Does Snoopy use that bird language composed only of ‘I’s?”

“Yeah, how come a dog can speak perfect English but a bird can only speak in repetitive scratches?”

“At least let me see my horoscope.”

“What’s your sign?”

“You know my sign.”

“ ‘Slippery when wet’?”

“No. ‘Severe tire damage.’ ”

“Says here that change is imminent and should be embraced. Also, a friend could turn out to be more.”

“Wait, let me write this down.”

“And, be kind to animals, except lemurs.”

“Anything else?”

“Dilbert’s tie has a boner.”

“And Dilbert?”

“Surprisingly flaccid.”

“Family Circus?”

“Billy is up to his usual mischief. Or is that Jeffy? I always get those two scamps mixed up. Also, Dolly has a boner.”

“Andy Capp?”

“Still a lovable wife-beating drunk.”


“Marmaduke is having an intense conversation with his roommates about a missing suitcase. No, wait. That’s Apartment 3-G.”


“And Ziggy is transmitting some kind of coded terrorist message: two, three, blank, blank, seven, blank …”

“I think that’s the Sudoku puzzle.”

“No, you’re thinking of the Hagar the Horrible/Jumble crossover.”

“Of course.”

“Garfield is up to his old tricks.”

“Eating forbidden lasagna?”

“It appears he’s burying Lymon’s body.”

“He sounds unnaturally active.”

“No, no, Lymon’s quite dead.”

“Wait. Help me out. What’s a two-letter word for ‘lame caveman interaction with not-so-subtle proselytizing’?”



“Ironically, the strip is living proof of the theory of evolution.”

“And simultaneously proof against it.”

“This is odd. The birds in Shoe are putting out a newspaper in English. Which means …”

“Woodstock is retarded?”

“Birds advocate destroying their natural habitats to run Rex Morgan, M.D. in teeny-weeny eye-strain-o-vision?”

“Journalists are bird-brains? Get it? And they’re ‘cheep’? I kill me.”

“I kill you.”

“Anything else?”

“Love is …”

“Holding hands? Sunset walks? Masturbating to Mary Worth?”

“Nope. Love Is completely unreadable with this smeared printing.”

“Damn you, Gutenberg.”


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