Remote possibilities: fall 2006

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Ah, summer, time to curl up with a good DVD.

Books are for losers. Who can read.

I am neither.

As a public service, a brief preview of the new fall network series (some appearing on new networks). Only six more weeks until the season begins.

And seven more weeks until many of these shows are canceled.

’24′ 2.0

In which one thin plot revolving around a day is stretched into a nine-month, 22-episode ordeal …

“Big Day”: A wedding, one half-hour at a time. Wake us when they toss the bouquet (or leave the show at the altar).

“Day Break”: “Groundhog Day” with a murder. And less funny. And more black.

‘Lost’ 2.0

In which strangers are connected in mysterious yet uninteresting ways …

“Six Degrees”: Strangers trapped on an island (Manhattan) bound by fate and acting contracts.

“Heroes”: Strangers bound by superpowers and high concepts.

“The Nine”: Strangers trapped in a bank robbery bound by trauma and flashbacks.

“Jericho”: Townfolk trapped in a nuclear holocaust bound by radioactive horror and lack of cable (shudder).

“The Class”: Twentysomethings trapped by a shared past in third grade bound by pseudo-nostalgia and a laugh track.

‘Saturday Night Live’ 2.0

In which a fading live comedy show spawns two fading prime-time shows …

“Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip”: The one with Aaron Sorkin and Chandler that lasts 60 minutes.

“30 Rock”: The one with Tina Fey and Debbie Downer that lasts 30 minutes. (Thanks, title mnemonic.)

One-word wonders

In which the law is upheld with but a single name …

“Vanished”: Fox’s version of NBC’s “Kidnapped.”

“Kidnapped”: NBC’s version of Fox’s “Vanished.”

“Justice”: Fox’s version of CBS’ “Shark.”

“Shark”: CBS’ version of Fox’s “Justice.”

“Smith”: Family dad blends in, commits crimes, not accused of crimes.

“Runaway”: Family dad blends in, doesn’t commit crimes, accused of crimes.

“Standoff”: FBI’s CNU in action. That’s right, the C-fucking-N-U.

Soap till you drop

In which telenovelas are debuted to an apathetic gringo audience …

“Desire”: Brothers run from Mafia, battle for girl.

“Fashion House”: “The Hills” with old people.

For this they killed ‘Arrested Development’

In which comedy is beaten to death with the tire iron of lameness …

“20 Good Years”: Grumpy old sitcom pair is wacky.

“ ’Til Death”: Marriage is wacky.

“Happy Hour”: Single young buddies are wacky.

“Notes from the Underbelly”: Maternity is wacky.

“The Knights of Prosperity”: Burglarizing Mick Jagger’s place is wacky.

“The Game”: Football players’ wives are wacky.

“Help Me Help You”: Group therapy is wacky.

The misfits

In which we snark on the rest …

“Duets”: Karaoke with the stars.

“Friday Night Lights”: They couldn’t turn “The Devil Wears Prada” into a series?

“Ugly Betty”: Yay, they made “The Devil Wears Prada” into a series!

“Men in Trees”: This year’s “Emily’s Reasons Why Not.” Well, this year’s second “Emily’s Reasons Why Not.”

“Brothers and Sisters”: This year’s “Sons and Daughters.” Well, this year’s second “Sons and Daughters.”

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More on television: May 2006 season finales


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